Sunday, April 18, 2010

Volcano Rally

Being a super villain is tough work. Coming up with new diabolical plans is arguably the hardest part of the job. So, just like more socially accepted scientists, we sometimes look to nature for our inspiration. If you’ve ever found yourself in an area where giant mushrooms are overgrowing a city, or giant ants are storming through destroying everything, you can bet the man behind it all was sitting in his garden for hours trying to come up with a good idea.

What if I just made it really big and pissed it off?

So, while I’ve been sitting around recovering from my burns, I came across a news story that reminded me of one of my own attempts at using the natural world as a tool.

As you’ve likely heard, an Icelandic volcano has been spewing so much ash into the air over Europe that all flights stopped. Nothing incredibly dangerous to most people on the ground, but enough to completely ruin many people’s day. Repeatedly.

What you likely haven’t heard, is that I once experimented in an attempt to create my own volcanic disaster.

Sure, it isn’t the newest evil idea. Most villains have tried it at some point or another. It’s practically guidelined in the villain’s handbook, even. Drill a hole till you hit magma, drop high explosives into the hole, hey presto: instant volcano.

The drilling was surprisingly the easiest part of the operation. All I needed to do was put together an army of my patented digbots, and program them to drill straight down. They got through the thirty or so miles in about seventeen months (they aren’t the fastest diggers), and unfortunately melted when they finally hit magma.

R.I.P. Digbot. Bested by its arch nemesis: 1300 degree magma.

Now I had a hole in my lab, leading straight down into molten Earth, but no explosives strong enough to set off a volcanic reaction.

“But Professor!” I hear you saying, “You’re a scientist and a super villain! Can’t you just use your black market connections or make your own?”

Well, the black market is all well and good if you need some big booms, but getting anything near the power I needed was WAY out of my price range. As for making my own, explosives are relatively easy to make, but most household chemical reactions just aren’t strong enough for what I needed.

I had a solution, though. If one big reaction is out of the question, thousands of smaller ones might still do the trick. Unfortunately, with my resources, there was only one high explosive I could make/steal within my budget and abilities.

Pictured: high explosive

Seems humiliating, doesn’t it? Well imagine thousands upon thousands of those bottles dropped into the lava all sealed up and waiting to explode. Think you can outrun a carbonated volcano? I doubt it.

At least, that was the plan.

Somehow, some local heroes got wind of what I was doing and rushed into my lab while it was still filled to the ceiling with the raw ingredients. A few ill-placed strikes from them and suddenly the explosion I had worked so hard to set up was set off above ground.

In my lab.

Where I was napping.

I hate heroes.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Power Duplication

In quite a lot of pain at the moment, so I’m just going to copy and paste this update from my research log. It’ll become clear why soon.


PROBLEM: Superhero known as ‘Solarman’ is being an extreme nuisance.

SOLUTION: Villain handbook plan #32: Re-create his abilities and use them against him.


SUBJECT: Solarman
HEIGHT: 5’9”
WEIGHT: 160lbs
ABILITIES: Capable of storing light energy. Uses light energy to illuminate dark places, can create laser blasts for fighting. Capable of flying similar to both particles and waves.
BACKSTORY: Gained his abilities through some unclear process after an explosion wracked a solar panel plant with radiation. Somehow his body has merged with such panels, allowing him to store light energy. The ability to release light from his body probably is due to the human body’s ability to excrete fluid from pores in the skin. Would explain why Solarman constantly glows in the summer.
OTHER NOTES: Claims to ‘illuminate the hearts and minds of the people,’ in reality only illuminates the fact that he is a douche. Tries to hide the fact that he is gay, will never be happy until he accepts himself as he is ***ADDED NOTE: Do not let him accept himself as he is, his inner turmoil is hilarious and makes him a weaker fighter.***


DAY 1:
1800: Since Solarman’s powers somehow came from irradiated solar panel technology, the best course of action is to create my own. Solar panels are easy to acquire, and my radiation machine is thankfully undamaged after the last ransacking of the lab.

The radiation machine in all its glory.

Will acquire solar panels overnight and begin radiation tests tomorrow.

DAY 2:
0600: My jerk neighbor, Dr. Onyx, still hasn’t returned to me the mail I KNOW HE STOLE FROM MY MAILBOX. In return, I have stolen all the solar panels off his roof. That’ll teach him. I bet he isn’t even a real doctor. Radiation tests to begin after breakfast.

1202: Two hours on the popcorn setting was more than enough to achieve what I theorize to be the correct amount of radiation to gain superpowers and avoid cancer. I am, however, presented with two options: eat the material and hope my body absorbs it, or scratch myself with it and hope its venom replaces sequences of my DNA.

1430: Realized solar panels are not the same as spiders and have opted to eat the material. For future reference, guacamole surprisingly does not improve the flavor. Now to just wait overnight and test if there are any results tomorrow.

1720: Unexpected side-effect: WORST INDIGESTION EVER.

DAY 3:
0715: Feeling somewhat more sluggish this morning. It may be due to the powers taking effect and me having been away from sunlight, or due to a lack of coffee. Will spend the day laying in the sun to see if I can now store solar energy.

1700: Laid in the sun all day. Mostly slept. Feeling oddly warmer than usual and skin is somewhat more sensitive. This may be a side-effect of storing too much energy. Power tests to begin shortly. I have set up targets to blast to see how the laser powers turned out, a darkroom is set aside for illumination tests, and for the flight test I will simply jump off my roof.

1940: Target tests find me unable to produce a single laser blast. Darkroom tests find me unable to illuminate anywhere on my person. Flight test is next.

2322: Released from the hospital. Was told that I only sprained my arm, but I was treated by that jerk, Onyx, so I don’t trust a word of it. He probably sprained it while he was checking me. Was also told that I have severe sunburn. I am almost certain Onyx has done something to me to completely sabotage the experiment. I’ll have to postpone continued experiments in gaining Solarman’s powers until Onyx is taken care of and the pain he’s given me subsides.