Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Old Stories Are Better Than Old Fish

Most of my equipment is still in disrepair, so I decided that today I would share an older story with you all.

This was an adventure I had quite some time ago, when I was still a fresh-faced villain trying to make a name for myself.  You might have even seen the results in the news, though it’s somewhat embarrassing to me.

The idea was brilliant: take a localized fear that many have and allow it to travel anywhere, ruining any sense of safety people had away from were the threat usually resides.

The localized fear? Sharks.

Almost everyone who has ever seen Jaws feels some kind of fear when they go to the ocean. Some kind of gripping terror that as soon as they get into the water a ravenous monster will appear out of nowhere and rip them to shreds. Even if the person never has watched the movie, the effect still happens every year when news stations and other places on television all start over reporting the few shark attacks that occur. Of course, this all adds up to the fact that when even just one shark is spotted, everyone in the water simultaneously experiences such ball-gripping fear that they can’t help but run like hell. Sometimes screaming hilariously.

Pictured: Ball-Gripping Fear

Of course, away from the water, no one worries about sharks. The worst fear anyone has of them on land is that someone will ask them to eat one that’s been rotting for who knows how long.

Looks so delicious, I think I just threw up everywhere.

So, this led me to wonder: how does one make sharks a threat outside of the water and off of the dinner table?

Helicopter packs.

It sounds ridiculous, I know, but when you think about it the beauty becomes clear. The blades are dangerous on their own, they function as a propeller underwater, and the WHUPPA WHUPPA WHUPPA noise they make is far more psychologically intimidating than anything a jetpack can do. The choice was obvious.

So, my grand plan went into action. Rented myself a boat and some scuba gear, bought off a couple of lackeys, and went out to gear up some sharks. It was a dangerous task, but things went better than expected. It turns out that sharks really REALLY don’t like having any kind of backpack attached to them, much less ones with moving parts, so they were more than willing to be terrifying and attack.

Unfortunately, this meant my lackeys got eaten.

Fortunately, this meant I didn’t have to pay them.

RIP thatguy, whatshisname, and heyyou

Once everything was all set, I went back to my lab to watch the chaos unfold.

At first, it truly was chaos. When the sharks came out of the water they were still pissed at their condition and set about chasing people out of the water, across the beach, even down the highways! It was glorious! I was certain that my name would forever be synonymous with fear.

There was, however, a minor flaw in my plan.

Pictured: Minor Flaw

Yes, it seems in my enthusiasm to have flying attack sharks, I neglected to consider that sharks attack through the same apparatus they use to breathe. My only options, therefore, were to either give them some kind of water-filled helmet so they could breathe or leave their mouths free to attack. I went for the attack option, so you can guess what happened.

Yes, after a short time, the sharks went from a frenzy of flying death to a lazily floating flock of sushi.

Threatening? No. Depressing? Yes.

Oh hey, I threw up again.

I can laugh about this failure now, mainly because I’ve found inspiration on how to improve the plan.

Mutated sharks.

All I need to do is keep them from becoming the good guys. Or…you know…dying of cancer.



Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Greetings, Masses!

Fantastic. Just fantastic.

I wish I could put up a better opening for my grand debut here, but it seems some spandex-wearing moral compass community hero came in and wrecked my lab and all of my equipment.  I swear, you build one mind-control ray and out come the pitchforks, torches, and tights. Why always tights?

How do you say "horrifying bulge" in Kryptonian?

Anyway, this means that I, Professor Obsidian, leading genius in the field of ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, is stuck building my internet presence in the most low-tech of ways. Video capabilities are down, my security system is so broken that I can’t post from the lab, even my cloner is down so I can’t spread this work around. All I can do is give you my words and whatever pictures I can get and hope that someday you learn to respect and fear me as I deserve.

“Why does a super-villain need to build themselves online?” I hear you asking. Yes, I can hear you.

This is the 21st century, people. EVERYONE needs to have their presence online or else they just get ignored. Thus, even those in positions of real chaos-spreading, like super-villains or politicians, need to be somewhat web-savvy in order to stay afloat in this new world.

As time goes on, I’ll be posting the results of my research and experiments here. You’ll be able to see the inner-workings of my incomprehensibly brilliant mind, and who knows, maybe you’ll even be able to help make me a better evil mastermind.

Oh, who am I kidding? I’m perfect already!

Pictured: Perfection

I’ll start posting my adventures soon. Until then, my lackeys.