Operation: Class Up Earth

So, the other day I got a little plastered on cough syrup and came to a realization.

We’re too backwoods.

The whole planet. It’s no wonder we haven’t gotten any significant alien contact. All the life in existence, the universe, hell, even just this galaxy, and we barely see hide or hair of it. All because we’re out in the boonies. No one wants to come to this section of space, it’s Hicksville #1. The exact center of nowhere where the locals are so backwards they still think reality TV and bacon lube are great ideas.

And don’t give me any of that Men in Black nonsense. I saw the movies, aliens don’t come here because it’s an important place, they come here because it ISN’T.

Look at this boring piece of crap.

WELL I’M GOING TO CHANGE ALL THAT.

It’s time we upped the tourism and the general feel of this place.

So, I’m starting OPERATION: CLASS UP EARTH.

It’s a multi-phase process by which we shall make this planet irresistible and important enough for other forms of life to visit. Then I can finally get my hands on some of their tech. I WANT THAT TECH.

Anyway, here’s what I plan to do.

Phase 1: MISSION CODENAME: JAUNTY HAT

The first, and hardest (I figure get the worst out of the way right away to make the rest seem more doable) step of the plan is to create a giant hat to affix on top of the planet as illustrated in Fig1.

Fig 1: Jauntiness Increase

Now, some of the more northern countries will probably be affected by this. Being under a giant hat will remove any chance of sunlight, but they deal with that for half the year anyway. If worse comes to worst, we can always string up some Christmas lights inside the sucker. Make the North Pole even more holiday-like.

Phase 2: MISSION CODENAME: FANCY MONOCLE

Next, get a ton of glass and set up this monster monocle, as shown in Fig2.

Fig 2: So much class

This has the opposite problem. Under that glass, it’s going to be like a kid with a magnifying glass and an anthill. So, just stop living in that area altogether. We can rent it out to tourists from hotter planets. Lava vacation.

Phase 3: MISSION CODENAME: GENTLEMAN’S MOUSTACHE

Lastly, we cut everyone’s hair. I MEAN EVERYONE’S. Human, sheep, cow, I don’t care. All of it. Fashion it together as shown in Fig3.

Fig 3: Perfection

LOOK AT THAT. Who wouldn’t want to visit a planet like that?
I’ll tell you who!
An idiot!

Set up like this, we’ll be sure to attract some attention and get ourselves set up on the stage for universal politics.
And I’ll finally have avenues to stealing me some sweet advanced tech from races beyond the stars.

Is this the best plan ever?

I rest my case.